My anxiety has been a companion of mine throughout my life. It has, in many cases, helped make me who I am today, but over the past few years, the conflict between myself and my brain reached a culmination. My anxious brain wanted so badly to obtain the control it felt had been lost to the person who abused the trust I had given them. This quest for total control of myself, to ensure my safety against the world, ultimately led to debilitating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. My brain forced me to perform rituals it promised would make me feel better, but that feeling of relief only ever lasted until the next command, and all its accompanying anxiety, set in. While my brain gained complete control, I had lost all of mine.
After months of fighting and submitting to the wishes of my obsessive thoughts and compulsions, my anxious brain and I found a compromise. Through engaging in the creative process, my brain was able to relinquish some of its need for control, so that I could reclaim some of mine. People often think the intricate nature of my pieces are planned and deliberate or that I had a clear idea of the end result before beginning, but in truth, my paintings are a reflection of my brain at rest. My art is a radical act of taking my power back. As a result, I am able to find joy in the chaos of lines, shapes and colors.
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