I don't want to simply "see" the moment

I want to be in the moment

for far too long

I have been an observer

trying far too hard

to preserve some sense of control

the kind of control that eats away your soul

removes all spontaneity

and steals your spark

I have stepped into the dark

and felt what it feels like

to feel nothing much at all

but that nothing was something I needed to feel

it was painful

it was real

and it made me want to breathe freely again

healing wasn't easy

. . .isn't easy

. . . probably won't ever be easy

and that's okay

in the bookcase of my brain


no longer claims the most space

upon these shelves

in this moment

I am living

and I'm learning

to be kinder

to myself


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when the sun settles down upon the ground I am found by the bliss that exists between the sun-kissed sand and the sky

I opened my heart held out my hand felt something strong crumble like sand I watched broken nights give birth to the chaos of day in just one breath all of my trust washed away

Recently I watched the sea grow turbulent again I held her close and asked her to tell me how she has been The sea replied "sometimes I feel like I might overflow" She didn't need to share much more I